A day in the life of.........

Strong woman

I am a strong woman. I have a huge capacity to eat the shit that life deals my way. But there are certain times (like last night) where I will pick up my weapons and go to war. Someone once tried to explain me (and my orientation) away by saying that in my previous life I was a warrior. Well they got that damn straight but wrong life Darling! Piss on me - Ill be cool. Touch my loved ones and you had better start running. This universe is going to be too small to hide. I will seek out and destroy you.

You have been warned.

An open letter to my children

If there is anything in life that I would like to teach you it is this one simple thing:

Be yourself.

These two words may seem simple but in fact they are the most difficult words I have ever uttered but they have such a deep truth contained within them. Play by your own rules, abide by your own conscience. For you cannot give to anyone that which you do not give yourself. Live by your own values, let them be your guide.

One of my greatest fears is that I will pass from this world and you will not have seen the very private Kim Andersen that I have always kept hidden because I thought that by doing so I could keep more people happy. I am sorry for I see that in robbing myself of living my truth I have robbed you also.

I have had an increasing yearning to be free. But now I see that freedom cannot be granted by others- it must be taken by me. So here is a few new committments Id like to give to you:

• Im going to start sharing more with you abou how Im feeling


• We are going to debate the deeper issues


• Im going to make decisions that will further my credo - be yourself

I love you and want you to know who your mommy is. Thats what friends do. xxxxxx

Crossroad

I have crossed the line. You are here.

Saving my Sanity in Tana

I admit it was pride that tried to downplay the fact that in this period in time the student has surpassed the teacher. I stupidly thought you hadnt noticed. Duh! you saved my life on Wednesday night. Reached me in a space where no one else could. Came quietly to the place where the snarling, wounded lioness was hiding and touched the rawness of my insanity.

You coaxed me out with words of promise - with visions of my future. You said - you want to see your grandchildren dont you? How did you know? How did you know that it was only that exact phrase that made stop the knotting of the sheet Id been working on for hours?

You arrived, late and anxious the next day when most other people would have run. You didnt bring wine or flowers. "Ive bought you a gift", you said with heightened cheerfulness, hastily summonsed to hide your worry. "bananas from South Africa - your favourite" We did not speak of it but we both know that I had been teetering dangerously on the edge. Playing with fire, just as I used to do as a little girl - setting fires, crying for help that never came.

The cloud lifted. Thank you.

Words

In the quiet , safe darkness the words call to me
endless whispers of waves that lap the shore;
over and over, unrelenting in their pusuit of my heart;
As I wake,
As I sleep

I rush in
Let them cover me, consume me, swirl over me in the sand of my heart
We are meant for each other.

Dreaming

See the thing that you may want to know about me is that Im a serial dreamer. This has two parts. I dream the same dreams repeatedly and many of the dreams that Ive dreamt have come true. I also remember my dreams in vivid technicolour.

When my son Chase died, I dreamt the same dream every night for eleven months until Joy was born. Now I only dream it intermittently like when its the anniversary of his death or mothers day. In this dream Im running after a giggling boy with golden curly locks and sunshine in his voice as we run down hill through a field. We are playing a game. Hes laughing, Im laughing. But the odd thing is - I can hear my breathing inside my head at the same time. He runs ahead and disappears into a forest of tall, green pine trees, just like the ones in Zululand. Im calling his name - my voice becoming frantic. He disappears and the the sun sets to my desperate screams as the wind carries his name.

Serial dream number take two. Im in a theatre - backstage. Im waiting for my cue to go on. Its dark away from the glare of the lights on stage. I can hear the actors seducing the audience with their craft. Suddenly I feel hands on my body, they are probing, searching, invading. I try to slap them away. Its no use - Im powerless by mounting desire that is both exhilirating and debilitating in its betrayal. Im being used. Then the face appears - to the left of mine. So close I can hear the breathing. Always the same face. You have ordered this, orchestrated it,designed it. Our eyes meet as Im pushed over the edge. You know its you that I want.

I have been dreaming this dream for almost three years now. It left me for three weeks. Last night it returned like a twisted old scar that hurts in the cold. Only you can excorcise it from my DNA. Make it go away.

Starry Starry Night

One of the best things I could ever do for myself is to write this blog. I have noticed that I turn to it normally in times of distress and or pain and or big happenings. As it happens, much pain, lot of distress some happenings around betrayal of an old friend and rejection of a new. No - thats too strong a word. A change of heart at Jane Eyre would say. A most unfortunate change of heart.

So here I sit, feeling displaced and desperately alone. Like a stray dog thats been in a fight and has crawled under a bush to lick its wounds. I ve suffered some staggering losss in terms of personally hugely important people within the last two months. Jem, Marlene and Nick. Gone. Jen. Gone. Strawberry Milkshake. cracked.

My thoughts are chaos, nerve endings screaming. Is this what they call a tipping point????????? when the tiniest thing can send me toppling over the edge? I continue to totter vicariously, madness beckoning like a mermaid calling a ship onto the rocks.

Why have you forsaken me??????????????